Opening day is drawing closer, and that means that the Mets need to get their lineup set. Everyone and their brother seems to think that they can use advanced metrics to come up with some mathematically ideal lineup. Personally I think that’s bullshit. There’s plenty of stuff that can’t be measured by a computer that should go into lineup creation. Grit, hustle, that “it” factor that would make a SABR nerds head explode because it can’t be quantified are all part of it.
I took the liberty of creating a possible lineup for them without the help of a fancy computer or help from NASA. My ultra scientific method was as follows: I used my superior genius to evaluate players in ways that computer fuckers could never understand. I also tried to keep players at their natural position because this is real life, not a video game, and that shit just doesn’t fly in real life. If you don’t believe me, just see Todd Hundley in the OF, Mike Piazza at 1B or Lucas Duda in LF. When all else failed, I also just went with my gut, not only because my gut is massive enough to have its own congressman, but also because I am seldom wrong about most things. Anyway, enough with the methodology, here’s the lineup…
1) Amed Rosario – SS: I want raw speed at the top of my lineup, and that’s something that just can’t be taught. Fuck drawing a walk, I want a guy who can slap the ball for a hit and create havoc on the bases (e.g Prime Jose Reyes). Rosario is that guy. He needs to be near the top in order to see better pitches anyway. You shouldn’t bury top prospects at the bottom of your lineup
2) Brandon Nimmo – CF: Dudley Doright is establishing himself as a legitimate top of the order player. He’s patient at the plate and is smart enough to know which pitches to take so Rosario can run. I didn’t like the guy at first and thought he was a wasted first round pick, but he’s kinda grown on me and this Boy Scout knows not to mix boating and cocaine. Also, I love Conforto, but he ain’t gonna be ready by Opening Day. Also, based on Gary Knight’s findings, Nimmo earned a starting nod.
3) Yoenis Cespedes – LF: He’s your best hitter, hands down. You want your best hitter batting third. If you don’t understand why, real life baseball just isn’t for you. That’s ok, you can always tell everyone about your successful franchise built with forced trades in MLB the Show. No matter what any saber metric loving clown will tell you, Cespedes has shown he can carry a team, and we need him to do so badly.
4) Jay Bruce – RF: The guy has raw power. Raw power drives in runs. I don’t give a fuck what you dweebs think, I judge a player batting in the heart of the order on HR and RBI. He will also give Cespedes some protection in the lineup. Yes, protection is a real thing. If you don’t believe me, I strongly urge you to leave whatever basement you dwell in and get some sunlight.
5) Todd Frazier – 3B: Frazier has many of the same qualities as Bruce, but he strikes out more. This makes him less valuable as Bruce and deserving of the 5 spot. He can also offer Bruce a limited degree of protection. And in case you haven’t heard, he is from Toms River, NJ. I’m sure Gary Cohen will remind everyone 126 times this season.
6) Travis d’arnaud – C: The lesser of two evils at the catching position. Actually, I take that back, maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on him. He’s much better than Plawecki, who only has success in September because he was batting against guys who just served me my McDonalds breakfast. I do see Plaw getting significant playing time, because TDA has the durability of glass. Also, sidenote, I believe Plawecki will be Syndergaard’s personal catcher this year, so he would likely get the opening day start, regardless of this.
7) Adrian Gonzalez – 1B: Here’s where it became kind of a crapshoot. Thmith… Err, I mean Smith isn’t ready just yet, so let’s see if our $500k gamble has any tread on the tires. If he doesn’t, he’s expendable. I do see Smith taking over for him at some point this year. If not, you can move Bruce to first base when Conforto comes back. You’ll also have Wilmer Flores figuring to get at bats against lefties.
8) Asdrubal Cabrera – 2B: Hopefully he accepts the full time move away from his coveted home at SS with more dignity than he did last year. Let’s face it, he was a whiny bitch and frankly, I don’t want him on the team, but, we need a second baseman so let’s see if he can perform.
So, there ya have it. My scientifically generated, BigDave approved lineup. It ain’t perfect, but it’s just about the best we can do. Also, the pitcher will always bat 9th. Batting your pitcher 8th is asinine, and you just might have coitus with your mother if you think otherwise. #LGM.