Ban Zack Hample: An Open Letter To Major League Baseball

The last 12 months have been pretty shitty for most people. However, there is a very overlooked blessing that came out of the COVID-19 pandemic. The fact that there were no fans allowed in MLB games last year, it gave us all a reprieve from Zack Hample.

If you aren’t aware of who Zack Hample is, consider yourself lucky. Zack Hample is a “ball hawk”. Ball hawks for those who don’t know, are virgins that go to a lot of baseball games and run around during batting practice and beg players for balls. Every now and then they catch a live foul ball or home run. Zack Hample has somehow made a career out of it. This dicklicker will show up to games with apparel from both teams playing, and switch clothes depending on who is up, where he’s sitting and who he feels like begging for a ball.

He also has no issue running through people (even kids) to get one. One of the Mets Uncensored staff has witnessed it first hand. Batting practice at Citi Field. A lefty was batting but a righty was following. This bald tool darts out of the outfield seats and in a dead sprint to get to the left field seats, nearly takes a child and his mother out. Instead of being a normal human and stopping to apologize, he turns while running, yells something that no one could understand and keeps going. There has been several first hand accounts of similar incidents, although he always denies it.

If anyone doesn’t know Bald Vinny, he’s one of the more prominent Yankee fans on the scene. He’s a constant fixture in the right field bleachers at Yankee Stadium. Guess who else is…Zack Hample. So if anyone has seen it, it would be Vinny. But it isn’t just Vinny

A few years ago, Zack tried to sneak his way down into the big apple reserved at Citi Field during a 7 Line Army outing. Zack tried using the ‘you know who i am’ thing with the usher and was allowed down, however, once actual ticket holder of the section and 7 Line regular Dan realized what was going on, he told him to get the fuck out. This caused another pissing match involving Hample and Darren, owner of the brand. Darren himself has witnessed Zack push people for baseballs in the past, and he was not about to have this asshat stir shit up amongst his customers.

Zack is also not about not trying to interfere in the field of play either. 2017 ALDS. Yankees Indians at Yankee stadium. New Met Francisco Lindor hits a ball to RF. It was probably going out of the park, but it would have been close. But who was there? You guessed it. Baseballs most famous douchebag. Nevermind the fact that he is violating personal space, which was obnoxious pre-Covid, but he’s clearly leaning out into the field of play.

In 2015 Zack was at batting practice at Yankee stadium again, prevent kids from getting baseballs when there was some sort of scrap when a player tossed a ball into the stands. Apparently Zack got knocked down as multiple people went for the baseball and got some boo boos. Because Zack is the only person who can knock people over for baseballs, he decided to imply he was assaulted. It made for a great photo.

After careful review of security footage, Yankee stadium determined there was no aggressor in the incident. Zack simple got a taste of his own medicine.

The Fort Braff Affair

On July 3, 2016, Major League Baseball hosted a baseball game at Fort Bragg, NC. It was the first game played on an active military installation. It was meant for military members, Department of Defense employees and their families. Of course this dickhead found his way in, and wasn’t coy about it either.

So naturally the backlash started. If there is one thing in the world that can unite people, its hated for Hample. So Zack, who is always quick to defend himself went into spin zone.

And then here is always the Zack Hample go to whenever he does something stupid. He talks about charity. He just gives and gives and gives, but only gives when he creates a shitstorm

So double back to how he said he got in. He got his ticket through a friend whose unit got tickets and his girlfriend doesn’t like baseball. First off, he has no friends. Secondly, there’s this…

The dumb fuck actually created a Tinder to try and find someone to get him in the game, offering the person $1000. Ultimately he issued an apology that no one cared about. He could have gotten this dude thrown in jail and dishonorably discharged. But the biggest crime here is he found a way to make something that was not about him all about him. This is what attention seeking whores do. There were thousands of military members who wanted to attend that game. Many service members who maybe would have loved to take their child to a once in a lifetime event. But Zack made sure he got to go.

This is also what led to the creation of one of the best hashtags of all time #ThingsBetterThanHample. If you need a good laugh, go check it out. It was trending #1 that night

COVID Protocol Violations

So anyone who has attended a game yet in this short season know that it’s been unlike any other baseball experience. The seats are scattered and unused seats are marked in a way so that they cant be used (zip tie, cardboard fan cut out, cover, etc.) It is instructed in writing that you must stay at your assigned seats. It is strict to maintain social distancing guidelines. One major league team in the area even went as far as to put their notable fan support group on notice about it after the first home game of the season.

Do these rules apply to everyone? Only people not named Zack Hample apparently.

Now lets walk this one through.

Clearly the ball didn’t pretty much come right to him. He’s standing at about the 4th row. And this is only where the camera first catches him.

What’s that right there? That’s a woman shielding her child while having her personal space invaded by some sexless goblin who runs after baseballs. In a pandemic, when we are supposed to not be on top of each other. Because god forbid Zack Hample has consideration for others.

And now let’s stand around and celebrate and make it about you

While Zack takes his victory lap, there is mama bear probably having to explain to her child that the guy standing behind them is exactly what you should not inspire to be when you grow up.

So the average person would get the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe it’s a one time deal, right? Nope. Take us to Monday night in Philadelphia.

It’s clear that he run at least 10 rows here. has zero regard for anyone who could have been around him and decides to make some sort of Olympic high jump maneuver. For a fucking baseball. The whole world was laughing at him. Also note, hes not wearing a mask, despite the fact that it’s clearly stated on the Phillies web site that it is required when attending the game,

So with that, the people ask Major League Baseball, it’s commissioner Robert Manfred, and all team owners to ban Zack Hample from baseball games going forward. It’s been proven that he is a menace. He takes away attention from the product on the field. He violates COVID protocols, and is a physical danger to baseball fans in stadiums all over the country. Do the right thing, Rob.

One last thing…

cultural appropriation

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