Ban Zack Hample: An Open Letter To Major League Baseball

The last 12 months have been pretty shitty for most people. However, there is a very overlooked blessing that came out of the COVID-19 pandemic. The fact that there were no fans allowed in MLB games last year, it gave us all a reprieve from Zack Hample.

If you aren’t aware of who Zack Hample is, consider yourself lucky. Zack Hample is a “ball hawk”. Ball hawks for those who don’t know, are virgins that go to a lot of baseball games and run around during batting practice and beg players for balls. Every now and then they catch a live foul ball or home run. Zack Hample has somehow made a career out of it. This dicklicker will show up to games with apparel from both teams playing, and switch clothes depending on who is up, where he’s sitting and who he feels like begging for a ball.

He also has no issue running through people (even kids) to get one. One of the Mets Uncensored staff has witnessed it first hand. Batting practice at Citi Field. A lefty was batting but a righty was following. This bald tool darts out of the outfield seats and in a dead sprint to get to the left field seats, nearly takes a child and his mother out. Instead of being a normal human and stopping to apologize, he turns while running, yells something that no one could understand and keeps going. There has been several first hand accounts of similar incidents, although he always denies it.

If anyone doesn’t know Bald Vinny, he’s one of the more prominent Yankee fans on the scene. He’s a constant fixture in the right field bleachers at Yankee Stadium. Guess who else is…Zack Hample. So if anyone has seen it, it would be Vinny. But it isn’t just Vinny

A few years ago, Zack tried to sneak his way down into the big apple reserved at Citi Field during a 7 Line Army outing. Zack tried using the ‘you know who i am’ thing with the usher and was allowed down, however, once actual ticket holder of the section and 7 Line regular Dan realized what was going on, he told him to get the fuck out. This caused another pissing match involving Hample and Darren, owner of the brand. Darren himself has witnessed Zack push people for baseballs in the past, and he was not about to have this asshat stir shit up amongst his customers.

Zack is also not about not trying to interfere in the field of play either. 2017 ALDS. Yankees Indians at Yankee stadium. New Met Francisco Lindor hits a ball to RF. It was probably going out of the park, but it would have been close. But who was there? You guessed it. Baseballs most famous douchebag. Nevermind the fact that he is violating personal space, which was obnoxious pre-Covid, but he’s clearly leaning out into the field of play.

In 2015 Zack was at batting practice at Yankee stadium again, prevent kids from getting baseballs when there was some sort of scrap when a player tossed a ball into the stands. Apparently Zack got knocked down as multiple people went for the baseball and got some boo boos. Because Zack is the only person who can knock people over for baseballs, he decided to imply he was assaulted. It made for a great photo.

After careful review of security footage, Yankee stadium determined there was no aggressor in the incident. Zack simple got a taste of his own medicine.

The Fort Braff Affair

On July 3, 2016, Major League Baseball hosted a baseball game at Fort Bragg, NC. It was the first game played on an active military installation. It was meant for military members, Department of Defense employees and their families. Of course this dickhead found his way in, and wasn’t coy about it either.

So naturally the backlash started. If there is one thing in the world that can unite people, its hated for Hample. So Zack, who is always quick to defend himself went into spin zone.

And then here is always the Zack Hample go to whenever he does something stupid. He talks about charity. He just gives and gives and gives, but only gives when he creates a shitstorm

So double back to how he said he got in. He got his ticket through a friend whose unit got tickets and his girlfriend doesn’t like baseball. First off, he has no friends. Secondly, there’s this…

The dumb fuck actually created a Tinder to try and find someone to get him in the game, offering the person $1000. Ultimately he issued an apology that no one cared about. He could have gotten this dude thrown in jail and dishonorably discharged. But the biggest crime here is he found a way to make something that was not about him all about him. This is what attention seeking whores do. There were thousands of military members who wanted to attend that game. Many service members who maybe would have loved to take their child to a once in a lifetime event. But Zack made sure he got to go.

This is also what led to the creation of one of the best hashtags of all time #ThingsBetterThanHample. If you need a good laugh, go check it out. It was trending #1 that night

COVID Protocol Violations

So anyone who has attended a game yet in this short season know that it’s been unlike any other baseball experience. The seats are scattered and unused seats are marked in a way so that they cant be used (zip tie, cardboard fan cut out, cover, etc.) It is instructed in writing that you must stay at your assigned seats. It is strict to maintain social distancing guidelines. One major league team in the area even went as far as to put their notable fan support group on notice about it after the first home game of the season.

Do these rules apply to everyone? Only people not named Zack Hample apparently.

Now lets walk this one through.

Clearly the ball didn’t pretty much come right to him. He’s standing at about the 4th row. And this is only where the camera first catches him.

What’s that right there? That’s a woman shielding her child while having her personal space invaded by some sexless goblin who runs after baseballs. In a pandemic, when we are supposed to not be on top of each other. Because god forbid Zack Hample has consideration for others.

And now let’s stand around and celebrate and make it about you

While Zack takes his victory lap, there is mama bear probably having to explain to her child that the guy standing behind them is exactly what you should not inspire to be when you grow up.

So the average person would get the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe it’s a one time deal, right? Nope. Take us to Monday night in Philadelphia.

It’s clear that he run at least 10 rows here. has zero regard for anyone who could have been around him and decides to make some sort of Olympic high jump maneuver. For a fucking baseball. The whole world was laughing at him. Also note, hes not wearing a mask, despite the fact that it’s clearly stated on the Phillies web site that it is required when attending the game,

So with that, the people ask Major League Baseball, it’s commissioner Robert Manfred, and all team owners to ban Zack Hample from baseball games going forward. It’s been proven that he is a menace. He takes away attention from the product on the field. He violates COVID protocols, and is a physical danger to baseball fans in stadiums all over the country. Do the right thing, Rob.

One last thing…

cultural appropriation

Pandemic Citi Field Review

by Current Writer

Some members of the staff were lucky enough to attend the Mets home opener yesterday. So here’s what to expect when you’re attending your first game back.

Entering the stadium was actually much easier than we anticipated. At first you’re greeted by someone who tries to get get you to sign up for Clear. With this app you can upload your vaccination or test info and can streamline entry. It’s cool but it’s more geared for people who go to the games often. If you’re just going once in a while, it’s not really necessary.

After that you go through the verification process and it was actually surprising how quick and easy it was. You legit just show your vax card or test results, have someone take your temperature with a contactless thermometer, and you’re in. I do suggest that you take your own temperature before you arrive. If you’re a little high, maybe pop some Advil so you don’t have an issues at the gate.

Once you’re inside, you pretty much feel like life is back to normal. Most of the concessions were open. There are now new beer stands that are walk through. You grab your beers, put them on a scale, throw your credit card in the reader and you’re done. The food concessions flowed pretty smoothly. Everything is cashless now which is great. Half the time lines at games don’t move because people too poor to get approved for a credit card pay cash, and it’s time consuming for the clerk to count it out and give back change.

There are no vendors walking the stadium. If you want something, you have to go and get it. You can mobile order food and it’ll be ready for you at a certain time. We did not use this feature, but saw that there were pick up areas based on what section your seats were in.

Most of the small apparel shops are NOT open. If you want to buy shit, you had to go to the main team store in the field level or the promenade level. There, due to capacity limits, they had lines. Likely because it was opening day and people were excited, the lines were kind of long. There were also small kiosks scatter through the building with some gear.

The bathrooms had every other urinal/stall blocked for social distancing. The lines moved fairly quick. Every bathroom seemed to be open. One bathroom apparently though, someone couldn’t wait and extra 30 seconds.

Now here is where we are kind of surprised…no one gave a shit about masks once you were in your seat. We had MU staff in different sections on different levels and none of us were bothered about masks. Which honestly is kind of cool. You’re outside, you’re socially distant (the unused seats are zip tied to prevent people from sitting ins eats that aren’t theirs), and you were either tested/vaccinated. The mask issue should be lax. We know all it takes is some tool shed in city hall to see unmasked fans on TV to raise a stink and make this an issue going forward, but for now, you’re not being bugged about it.

Another surprising thing was that they were letting people hang out in common areas like the Shea Bridge and concourses, as long as the groups weren’t large and you did have your mask on. And that’s great. People should be allowed to go say what’s up to their pals for a little bit.

One thing that was annoying is that they’re still pumping in artificial crowd noise. I guess it impacted people more based on where they were sitting in relation to the speakers. It sounded like machinery was being operated in the distance behind you. After a while you kind of got used to it, but it seemed like it got a little louder later in the game. Maybe they were unsure of how loud it would be with only 9,000 people there. Not sure how it sounded on TV. The crowd seemed as loud as an early season weeknight game. (Except for the McNeil home run. It was loud)

All in all, being back felt normal. Completely different than we were expecting. Hopefully this post helps people who are on the fence about attending a game. Buy some tickets and go. Get your life back, go out and do something you like to do. It’s worth it.

Instant Overreaction – Phillies 5- Mets 2 -April 5th

First off, fuck Luis Rojas. Anytime you say “I’m satisfied” after decisions you made led to a loss, then you suck. It also means you’re making reasons completely based on analytics, and not by feel. When it comes to in game decisions, there needs to be a blend. I now understand why Filipe Alou won’t let him carry the family name.

So lets start off with the 4th inning. Bases loaded, 1 out, Kevin Pillar up. Right handed pitcher brought in the game. WHY IS DOM SMITH SITTING ON THE BENCH? Rojas reason is for defense. OK, well if Dom comes through, your need to have your best defense out there really lessens. Also, you’re only playing that for a few innings. By the 7th inning, you can move Dom to 1B for Alonso , Almora to CF and Nimmo back to LF. Your defense is pretty much as good as it’s gonna get at that point. But there we go with having no feel for the game.

Next, I know it’s game 1, but Jacob deGrom should be able to go more than 77 pitches. Yea, this season is different because no one pitched a full season last year. Well if you’re that worried about it, then deGrom shouldn’t be skipping over Lucchesi’s start Saturday. Keep him on rotation.

Also, I’m tired of hearing Luis Guillorme’s name. Everyone cries he has to play more. He gets in finally and throws away a ball that a professional baseball player should make 99 out of 100 times. Yea, McCann could have done a better job getting to the ball, but you know what? It should have hit him in the chest. His career metrics at 3B suck too.

Are The Washington Nationals Sexually Active With Each Other?

By Current Writer

Something interesting popped up on the timeline today. And although it is unconfirmed, it should be taken seriously by MLB.

Are the Nationals in fact, engaging in sexual activity with each other? Does Max Scherzer and Stephen Strasburg handjob each other in the shower? Do Juan Soto and Victor Robles dock in the sauna? (If you’re unaware of docking, you’re lucky). Does Ryan Zimmerman have every rookie blow him in the locker room as a rite of passage?

If so, the league should take swift and firm action for having sex without personal protective equipment. All sexual activity between teammates should be banned from February to October.

We here at Mets Uncensored are believers that anyone can have sex with whomever they want, as long as it doesn’t involve cancelling baseball games. So please, Nationals, stop fucking each other and stop fucking the Mets schedule. Thank you.

Mets Social Media Recap – Week of March 19 – 26

by Mets Uncensored Staff

Sorry we didn’t have a recap last week. Truth be told, blogging is annoying. Not sure how people do it often. Oh, actually we know why. (No sex).

Anyway, we have some doozies for you today. There was a plethora of stupidity on the social platforms lately.

We don’t necessarily disagree with this point about Matt Harvey. But certain Mets fans sure love telling other Mets fans how to Mets fan. Don’t they? Harvey was polarizing enough here that there’s enough reason for Mets fans to have a distaste for him. And frankly it’s their right to do so, without some beta telling them not to.

I’m sure the Indians are dying to take on Familia and Betances salary to give up one of their best remaining players. Also, learn the names of your players. It’s Dellin and Jeurys.

So we got one guy dumping familia. And on the other end of the spectrum, we got another guy promoting him to closer

One of only two Mets to wear the cap in the hall of fame is not a true Met. Bobby Parnell though….true Met.

This is highlighted only because I defy you to find one person who actually thinks Wright is a hall of famer. How is this an unpopular opinion?

Jeff McNeil apparently needs time to develop still but Ronny Mauricio doesn’t.

And now it’s time for the Mets Fan Feud of the Week.

We put it to a vote this week and the people have spoken. Math isn’t our strong suit here but based on the looks of it, it came down to one vote

So if you don’t already know, bloggers take themselves way too serious and think they serve a way bigger purpose in society than they do. The reason this blog was resurrected was because of that. So it was inevitable that bloggers were gonna wind up here. This week’s feud involved @SaltyGary and @TimothyRRyder.

TALE OF THE TAPE

Gary – Best known for a crowd sourcing effort in 2015 to put up billboards embarrassing the Wilpons and encouraging them to sell the team. Love him or hate him, Gary was a polarizing figure who put the disdain Mets fans had for ownership on the national stage.

Tim – A blogger who thinks he’s Ken Rosenthal, he currently runs his own blog and also used to blog for Metsmerized, even though you’d never know because they took his name off all his old posts.

So Tim was being bothered by something stupid on the timeline as per the norm

Gary winds up chiming in, obviously referring to the feud with Metsmerized, this gif implies he burned bridges.

Tim takes his first swing at Gary. It appears to have been from an 11 year old, although we can’t confirm that at the time of publication

Gary fires back, pretty much implying that Tim Ryder is the blogger version of Donald Trump, who despite all his efforts, was unable to incite an insurrection at Metsmerized, and therefore allowing Joe D to keep his team in tact and remain the fair superior of the below average blogs.

Tim replied with that some writers from MMO wanted to come to his Rising Apple knockoff and he turned them down. I guess beggars can be choosers

Gary insinuating that the King of All Unimportant Bloggers, Michael Mayer of Metsmerized fame, turned down the opportunity to make $20 a post at Tim’s new shop

Tim apparently loves crying laughing emojis. For someone who takes himself serious as a writer, we here are bothered by the lack of capitalization to start sentences.

Approaching the end, Gary, who is known for holding people accountable, asks Tim for proof to debunk Gary’s claims. Tim refuses, claiming integrity, once again implying that bloggers matter and people actually give a shit about them.

BONUS DM

An exclusive DM was provided to the staff here. In an effort to reinforce the fact that Tim takes himself way too serious, he DMed Gary to tell him that he hopes his life going forward sucks. Why he couldn’t say it on the timeline, who knows. But that would probably not look good for his integrity we suppose. Inevitably Tim blocks Gary and it ends there.

The staff here have discussed it and we give the W to @SaltyGary. Gary was able to take someone’s skewed perception that they are somehow important and use it against them. It got under their skin enough to cause a DM and Block combination.

Tell us your thoughts. Do you think Gary or Tim won this battle? And if you see anything on social media that deserves to be featured here, please pass it along.

Mets Social Media Recap – Week of March 8 – 14

We are coming to you early this week because we just have a lot of stuff to highlight and feel like we shouldn’t wait a whole weekend to do it. We have our first Mets Twitter Brawl to discuss, and the team here at Mets Uncensored will analyze and declare a winner. But first, some gems from Mets Facebook

If he thinks this is bad, wait until he finds out that the Indians training staff gave Carlos Carrasco cancer.

Staying on Carrasco for a moment…majority of Mets fans loved the deal before we knew Carrasco was in it. All of a sudden we gave up too much because the guy is having normal soreness

This guy doesn’t like having Jacob deGrom stay up past his bedtime on a school night.

This gentleman is offended by letters. And also, a third party selling bootleg shirts is the Mets fault and on par with dick pics

Apparently, Andres Gimenez has already become Fernando Tatis Jr. Mets should have held onto him.

METS FAN FEUD OF THE WEEK

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… our first Mets Fan Feud of the Week.

Disclaimer: Any and all analysis/judgements of these feuds are fair, honest and objective. No preconceived notions or prior interactions by the writers with any individuals involved will be used in deciding victors.

So Mets fan @GotNoSperm has decided to make a multiple day crusade about how he is being discriminated against by the government for being an able bodied healthy person. Over the course of this time, he’s gotten piled on. However a few individual battles have stood out and are worthy of documentation. Most notably against @AndrewBasstardo. Here’s a blow by blow recap:

It starts off with a subtweet and a fairly general reply. @AndrewBasstardo taking a pretty strong personal shot at @GotNoSperm. GotNoSperm keeps his cool. The combatants are just feeling themselves out and trying to get their feet under them

GIF reply. Although we enjoy a good Dawson’s Creek reference around here, wasn’t anything significant. Basic mocking here.

What a reply. GotNoSperm making reference to a possible hearing impediment of his opponent. Strong reply in GIF form. How will his opponent respond.

AndrewBasstardo comes back with the vaccination card. If you recall, this all started with GotNoSperm incessantly crying about being unable to get a vaccination. Being able to be vaccinated is a badge of honor and it should be thrown in someone’s face when able to. A simple yet strong reply here.

OH NO! Another hearing impediment reference. Sometimes going back to the well can be redundant, but this was a very strong reply. Especially when you look at the GIF and can hear Steve Austin’s voice in your head.

RESULTS: The battle seemed to stop dead there. It was quick, but it was entertaining. The team here at Mets Uncensored deliberated over it, and have declared a winner. The winner by unanimous decision is: @GotNoSperm.

As always, if you see stupidity on your social media timeline, send it out way.

Mets Make Roster Cuts

Mark Gooden of the Washington Examiner reports today that the Mets made their first round of cuts from big league camp. We aren’t going to pretend to know or care about who half of them are. You can see the list for yourself down below

Mets Social Media Recap – Week of March 1-7

So when the team here came up with this idea, we had no idea how much of an abortion Mets Facebook is. Like we kind of knew, but man, we were not prepared for the mutants on there. So let’s dive right into this.

First off, something that’s been complained about far too much. The Mets have never televised road spring training games. They didn’t do it before a pandemic, they’re not gonna do it during a pandemic. So shut the fuck up. The games don’t count. You don’t need to watch them.

I Know this tweet doesn’t fall into the week of March 1-7 but it was a submission and needs to be highlighted. Apparently we all need as much free time as this guy so we can watch games from all over the league. So remember Mets fans, if you have a job that doesn’t afford you summers off or have young kids or any other time consuming hobby and only get the watch Mets games with your limited time, your opinion is shit. Be better, shills.

Saying being a Mets fan is a pre-existing condition is always funny. No one has made that joke before. It’s original and not lame at all. We don’t believe in sarcasm at Mets Uncensored, so we are being absolutely truthful in this assessment.

The only thing Marcus Stroman is elite at is blocking people on Twitter.

Bold move using your closer as an opener, Benjamin Button.

Once you start something with “I know this may sound really stupid…” stop typing, because you’re correct. Also, it’s year three, spell the man’s name right (Pete Alonso)

May as well stay on Alonso here for a moment. Pete almost has hit Ike’s career total for home runs in 1 1/2 seasons, but go on.

No fun in the clubhouse until Lindor get a hit in a game that doesn’t count. That’s the rules.

If you didn’t know, it’s absolutely impossible to improve defensively if you’re not getting your maybe 5 reps in a game that doesn’t count.

Someone hire this guy as a Mets hitting instructor.

I know what this guy is trying to do. He’s mocking people complaining about the DH in spring training games. That’s fine, but be less corny. Talk about trying too hard

Lindor definitely is not gonna be ready for the season because he didn’t start a spring training game 3 1/2 weeks before the season starts

METS FAN FUED OF THE WEEK

So I know last week we teased this and plan on doing it going forward, but the best we could find was an argument of whether being fat is contagious and frankly, wasn’t worth the time it takes to embed tweets. So we will see what next week brings.

It was kind of light today. It is still March though, so as the season picks up, so will the buffoonery. If you have any submissions of stupidity from your fellow Mets fans, feel free to DM @Mets_Uncensored on Twitter

Future Content Preview

by Former Writer that is also a Current Writer

So as was made clear last time this blog was up, we are all about entertainment as much as we are about talking ball. And one of the things that kind of reignited Mets Uncensored is the behavior of some of the notable blogs out there recently, and beyond that, Mets fans in general on social media.

Mets Twitter, and even Mets Facebook, are fucking treasure troves of great content from mutants all across the globe. If you might recall, three years ago, it was Mets Uncensored who had an exclusive one on one interview with the Reyes Virus guy. Anyone can start a blog and go on Baseball Reference and give you someones BACON or VORP. But you want to actually have a full blown Mets fan experience that goes deeper than stats? You’re only gonna find that in one place. Right here.

So going forward, we are gonna do weekly recaps of the social media happenings of Mets fans. We are gonna highlight the dumbest tweets, most preposterous trade proposals on Facebook, and this which is gonna be our favorite part…The Mets Twitter Brawl of the week. It’s gonna be a blow by blow recap of the intra-MetsTwitter spat from the prior week. Hell, based on some of the player’s tweeting habits, it might not be just fans featured here.

On top of that, we do realize that there are plenty of funny people out there in the fan base , and would like to highlight them as well. It doesn’t have to be all negative. Either way, if you spot something that you think is worthy, feel free to send it our way. So stay tuned and spread the word…

One last thing. Shout out to Michael Baron. He’s been on the receiving end of some of our staff’s jokes in the past. But he and his family are going through some shit right now, and we wish him the very best in his battle.